These days...

sheesh, i'm horrific at posting on this blog! april, yikes!

SO, lots has changed. i got a new job, quit my internship and got my own apartment! yup, the hotel just wasn't working out so i searched for new employment and landed a job working for a few nightclubs and a bar in downtown. i do admin stuff & other stuff to help lighten the manager's load. i really like it. i work virtually alone which is pretty great and the pay is pretty decent. my only complaint (aside from the occasional stupid stuff) is that i have be at work way too early in the am. i am so not a morning person so i guess it's good that i can just roll out of bed, throw on something clean and hop on the bus. it's about 30-35 hours a week. not bad! a heckuva lot better than the 16 the hotel was giving me.

the internship was fun but it just wasn't mean to be. in the end i don't think it would have been enough hours so i would have had to work two jobs at once and the hours for that would have been pretty killer.

i've been in my own apartment now for about a month. my wonderful parents ended up packing up my stuff on a penske truck and my dad drove it up here. insane! we were going to have a moving company do it but they flaked out on my dad so he just drove it here. my place is just south of downtown, pretty much still downtown and is pretty little. but it's enough for me for now. the kitchen leaves a bit to be desired but it's ok - it's only a year lease!! it's nice to have my own place to retreat to and it's great to have my stuff up here. i'll post some pics when i've gotten it a bit more put together.

other than that - things are good. things are strange, but good. i say strange because everything is just so different. i guess i just had no idea how big of a change i was making. there are things about my old life that i miss, terribly! like my friends, my family, my dogs, my house. familiarity. the old routine of things was sometimes very nice and it's odd having to make a new routine. making a huge change like this at 28 is quite a big deal. my dad has been stopping through minneapolis on trips throughout the month and i got to see him last night for dinner. i started to tear up when he walked me to my car. you don't realize sometimes how much you love having your family so close until they're not close anymore! i know that this is a step in the right direction for me - i needed to grow up some more. i needed to be more independent. so i'm just going to notch this up to growing pains, sound fair to you?

honestly,

-e

OH!

and something about living up here is making me lose weight :D which is lovely! so far about 8lbs down! gotta love that, even if it's random!

honestly,

-e

whew!

yeah, uhm, where did the time go!? i've been up here in minneapolis now for almost a month - some days it seems like four months already and other times it seems like yesterday. life is crazy.

i think it's strange when you do all these things to make your life a certain way and then you completely change it - well, at least it feels strange to me. i think i'm still trying to figure things out. i definitely made sure that i threw my life for a loop - going through a divorce, losing my job, moving in with my folks, moving, starting one new job and one new internship...yeah, just a few things to have changed. right!? if i sat and thought about everything i believe my head would explode from the stress and sheer craziness of it all. but you know, sometimes when you get stuck in a rut a giant leap/change is exactly what you need.

i'm not saying it's easy. it hasn't been and won't be for a while. i feel like i'm re-learning how to function in society. how to make enough money to pay the bills is definitely the toughest thing right now but that's no shock to me. i love my internship at the photo studio - it's great - i just wish it was the paying job!!! the hotel is going alright, it's a very draining job though and i can't seem to get excited about it (possibly cause it's not enough money/hours!!) but it at least is some form of income. at least at the internship i'm doing things that i have skills in such as designing wedding albums (i get paid for that!) and working on layout of documents and what not. it's quite fun!

but yeah, all in all, doing alright, little stressed about money but i'm still looking for more work and keeping myself busy doing fun and free (or almost free) things! speaking of which, gotta go work on my guitar callouses, i've been neglecting them over the last week. i'll try to post more next week, just haven't felt real "up" for being social - even anti-socially online :)

honestly,

-e

i am tired...

of trying not to offend people. i know i'm a people-pleaser but this is getting ridiculous! when does it come down to what i want? i guess i'm thinking that people will either get over it or they won't. maybe that's selfish but i do have to worry about myself here. it is exhausting to worry about what other people will think of what i want, of how they'll react. ya know what? that is THEIR reaction...not mine. so why do i let it bug me?

so.friggin.frustrating.

ok - so - i'm moving. i'm heading out soon. like less than a month, soon. and i'm excited at the possibilities that await me - those possibilities are endless! no one is relying on me here, i'm young, i can still come visit (and you can come visit) but it's just time. if you're my friend or my family, shouldn't you be excited that i'm excited?

honestly
-e

security

do you remember your blanket that you had as a kid? or that certain stuffed animal you always held onto? for me it was bun-bun...yup, you heard me. bun-bun was actually like four or five different stuffed animals that were the same thing: bunny heads with a blanket body and stuffed hands. mom would switch out bun-bun whenever she'd get dirty and i would flip so mom made sure she had back-up bun-buns.

the idea that i have been craving security the majority of my adult life is somewhat baffling. i think part of it (no matter how sexist this sounds) is that i'm female and i think it's ironed into my being that i want to be safe, secure, cared for. i think the other part is that i moved around a bit as a kiddo. not a god-awful amount but still enough for it to be slightly jarring. not blaming anyone - i mean, why would i complain about getting to live in japan for three years!? am i crazy? don't answer that.

but it's funny - i was sitting with this thought about craving security and what that really means. it's actually not financial in pretty much any way. i mean, yeah, i'd love to have a job so that i could have an apartment of my own but i think that the desire for the job is so that i can have a "home" - a place where i can feel secure. and not secure in my belongings but just secure in being able to just exist as me. to not have to worry about what someone is going to think of me. i think that security is something i've missed.

the other security i crave is security in people. and i didn't realize how necessary this was to me until i started cultivating some of my friendships but just like having a place to relax and be you, i want to have people around i can be me with. it's refreshing that through the ordeal of the divorce and my change of perspective some of my friends have really stuck with me and we've grown. i've explained to them that i'm imperfect and, big surprise, they already knew it and weren't running away.

so, now i'm making plans to move. i think it's time i found my own security, my own footing but in a place where i have friends i can "be" around who won't laugh too hard if i fail. and i know my friends here will support me in finding my own way - even if it'll suck to see me move. so, i'm not moving yet but it's coming soon and i'm excited and scared as hell all at the same time. but mostly excited. i'm excited to create security and home for myself...

honestly,

-e

grab your cheese...serving up some w"h"ine here...

there are two sides to each story. i have no idea why today i feel like pointing this out. maybe it's because it's snowing and gray out - maybe it's because i moved all my furniture out of my old house yesterday. maybe it's because people have a tendency to jump to conclusions without all the information. yeah, that's probably all of it - most of it is the last thing.

the thought that's getting me today is that when a couple breaks up or divorces or whatever - someone is going to get the blame. usually it's the person who leaves. that's just the way it goes. i'm not asking for sympathy here, please hear that, i'm just wondering if people don't ever think about the circumstances leading up to the person leaving? do people ever think about how difficult the decision is to actually leave? the process that goes into that decision is painful - incredibly painful. for me, it wasn't a selfish process - it was a process of trying to figure out how this would affect so many people around me. it was almost debilitating, it was most definitely gut-wrenching and it was not in any way easy. it did teach me that i need to look out for myself. that i need to make sure that i get what i need and want in relationships, friendship or romantic. and i need security, i need safety - i need to know that if i'm truly my little freaky, weirdo self, that other person won't go running, that they'll be able to handle it. because if we can't be ourselves in our relationships - who the hell would want to be our friend?

i wouldn't want to be my friend if i wasn't genuine. i know i can be neurotic, flaky, tactless and (i'm learning recently) insecure but i also know that i'm very loving, incredibly forgiving, funny, warm and inviting. so, why should i chop off some of those things just because i'm afraid some people can't handle it? maybe i will say something that someone doesn't agree with, i know i'll do something that someone doesn't agree with - but i've come to terms with the fact that people do that kind of stuff all the time and i don't hate them for it. and really, i have absolutely no control over how people will perceive me or my actions which is oddly freeing.

so, i guess my rambling point is that it's been an incredibly tough few months - i've lost my job, i've lost what i had worked for, i lost what i knew and what i thought i wanted...but i'll be fine. i know he'll be fine eventually. and that's my opinion. feel free to disagree, feel free to ask questions - but know also that i don't have to answer them.

honestly
-e

have you ever

and no, we're not playing the game. but have you ever gotten to a point in your life where everything seems to be shifting? it's like one thing happens and you realize that the rest of your life was on a mega-fault-line that now decided to crack?

that's kinda how i feel right now. at first it was absolutely horrifying. i had no idea what to think, what to do, where to belong. then i shifted into "get-through-it" mode because the hits just kept on coming. now i am in a stage of hopefulness and freedom. i didn't get here alone. God is the main reason i find myself sitting on the couch and not in a padded room. without him i'd be so completely lost so i'm incredibly thankful. and i'm also thankful for friends and family. it's almost like i've had to re-learn who they are and they have had to do the same (and are doing the same) with me. it's times like this when i regret things in the past.

mainly i regret not being more open and honest with the people i call friends and family. because it's at times like this when your entire bedrock is shaken that people who thought that everything was ok (because you led them to believe it) are completely shocked to find out that in fact, not much was. i hate that i did that to people. but what i hate more is that i wasn't being honest with myself about what i was feeling/wanting/needing/mad about. so i guess if you're not honest with yourself, you won't be honest with other people. i know, sooooo deep! it's times like this i wish i wasn't such an introvert.

so, i'm not much for new year's resolutions but i have made a promise to myself (and my therapist...ha!) that i will be honest with me and work on being honest with other people. because life is just going to hit you like a mac truck and keep on spinning unless you decided what side of the street you're going to stand on.

i guess this is my way of apologizing in a sense to people. i'm sorry if i've shut you out - i'm learning how to be a better friend. it's going to take time and i'm sure i'll screw up again but i really can't promise anything more than that.

honestly

-e