i don't know what it is but around this time of year i start to get excited about fall. when i lived in memphis this was a curse and a blessing. a curse because i knew i had a good month and a half left (at least) of terribly hot temperatures and humidity. a blessing because it got my mind off of the hot temps. now that i live in minnesota, the thing i am noticing most about these feelings of looking forward is the overwhelming sense of hope. that's not something i've really felt a lot of over the last year. i've felt burdened and stressed but this is truly the first time i've looked up and thought "alright, there is light!".
after i moved to minneapolis i went through a period of time where i was very uncertain. i was uncertain that i had made the right move at times. in my heart i knew it was right but in my bank account, i didn't. i felt myself growing through some pretty painful times (still am somewhat) and i wondered if it would be worth it. i was uncertain about where i was heading (still am!) and that scared me. now it's just a little bit exciting...still kinda scary but i'm much more accepting of just riding along for now.
now i feel much more certain. i love my friends and family in memphis. i miss them very, very much, but i can't say that i really miss memphis. i miss the sense of familiarity - of knowing where to go hang out, what event is going on, where to find stuff that i need...but i don't miss the actual city. i thought i would. something about the change of political and racial climate here has made me feel much more comfortable and at home than i ever did in memphis. i feel like i fit in here, that people are more like-minded, creative, accepting than in the south.
right now, i love the weather here! we've had maybe four or five days around 90 degrees...but i think i'm estimating too high. a lot of the places i go to don't have air conditioning, really, but it's not terribly missed. i'm glad my apartment now has a window unit, though! sleeping without air conditioning is a bit tougher than i remember, but, as i type i have the windows open and the fans going and it's downright cozy. we'll see how i do when there is a foot of snow on the ground and it's below zero for the fourth week in a row but something tells me i might like it!
i look forward to the fall - the changing of colors, the dying of leaves and everything turning such beautiful shades of autumn. fall always makes me hopeful of the rebirth of spring. i feel that autumn and winter are such magical times of the year. times when i am transported back to my feelings of childhood. the hayrides and bonfires with dad's squadron in the air force...the afternoons spent warming up by "bertha" before going back out into the snow in d.c....the toboggan run that we built in the backyard at Nana and Papa's house...wearing a hobo costume for Halloween because it was the only way to wear enough layers without ruining my costume with a coat! Christmas in Syracuse, IN - my favorite place on earth.
i feel that living up north again will make me love summer again, but i know i will never await it quite as much as fall and winter! happy holiday dreaming!
honestly,
-e
