Friday, January 29, 2010

grab your cheese...serving up some w"h"ine here...

there are two sides to each story. i have no idea why today i feel like pointing this out. maybe it's because it's snowing and gray out - maybe it's because i moved all my furniture out of my old house yesterday. maybe it's because people have a tendency to jump to conclusions without all the information. yeah, that's probably all of it - most of it is the last thing.

the thought that's getting me today is that when a couple breaks up or divorces or whatever - someone is going to get the blame. usually it's the person who leaves. that's just the way it goes. i'm not asking for sympathy here, please hear that, i'm just wondering if people don't ever think about the circumstances leading up to the person leaving? do people ever think about how difficult the decision is to actually leave? the process that goes into that decision is painful - incredibly painful. for me, it wasn't a selfish process - it was a process of trying to figure out how this would affect so many people around me. it was almost debilitating, it was most definitely gut-wrenching and it was not in any way easy. it did teach me that i need to look out for myself. that i need to make sure that i get what i need and want in relationships, friendship or romantic. and i need security, i need safety - i need to know that if i'm truly my little freaky, weirdo self, that other person won't go running, that they'll be able to handle it. because if we can't be ourselves in our relationships - who the hell would want to be our friend?

i wouldn't want to be my friend if i wasn't genuine. i know i can be neurotic, flaky, tactless and (i'm learning recently) insecure but i also know that i'm very loving, incredibly forgiving, funny, warm and inviting. so, why should i chop off some of those things just because i'm afraid some people can't handle it? maybe i will say something that someone doesn't agree with, i know i'll do something that someone doesn't agree with - but i've come to terms with the fact that people do that kind of stuff all the time and i don't hate them for it. and really, i have absolutely no control over how people will perceive me or my actions which is oddly freeing.

so, i guess my rambling point is that it's been an incredibly tough few months - i've lost my job, i've lost what i had worked for, i lost what i knew and what i thought i wanted...but i'll be fine. i know he'll be fine eventually. and that's my opinion. feel free to disagree, feel free to ask questions - but know also that i don't have to answer them.