merry christmas to all

and to all a good night!

merry christmas from truth, lies and honesty! i pray that this holiday season finds your heart warm and your blessings many. i am counting in my blessings an amazing family that i get spend time with, a great new home, a free plane ticket to get to my parents house, the snowiest december in minneapolis history and the love of an amazing man (who i wish was with me this christmas!). blessings to you and tidings of great cheer!

MerRy ChrIstmAs!

my home at christmas

i realized that i haven't posted any christmas decor or pictures of my tiny slice of minneapolis in a while! it's been a snowy week up here in the midwest - in the minneapolis metro we got about 23 inches of snow saturday morning and all the way until around 3am on sunday morning. to say it was insane would be belittling the storm. it was monumental! the 5th largest storm in the history of minneapolis and i got experience it as my first winter got well underway up here! i was happy to be burrowed in (my second job called and told me to stay home saturday and my other job told me to stay home sunday!) spending my time watching christmas movies on netflix wii, writing christmas cards, wishing i had made a grocery run and glad to have my boyfriend here!

so, here is what the hibernation cave looks like right now! (here is one photo - click this link to go to my photostream: scrumpygirl13 )

i promise!

the etsy shop should be open soon! i had a delay in production due to the fact that i was working too much! but, i've been a little elf lately so i should be able to update it soon. i've got quite a few things to put up in there, just need to do a photo-shoot with my bestie, jill! in the mean time, enjoy something that makes me happy when i'm sad: marcel the shell with shoes on

thankfulness

i wanted to do my thanksgiving day post on thanksgiving while i'm curled up on the couch enjoying my first real day off since october, drinking coffee, eating a cinnamon roll, watching the parade and scheming the pie baking for the afternoon. but...alas, the internet is still not working at the apartment so i'm posting early!

this has been a year of up's and down's, sometimes more down's than up's but it's ok. i am thankful that i have made some changes that really have helped me realize who i am. it's been difficult but i feel like i've really been able to grow up a lot in the last year.

mostly, i am thankful for the people in my life. they have supported me, carried me, listened to me, made me laugh when i wanted to cry, let me cry if i needed to and made me feel like i'm not alone when things are rough or great. i really miss my family. it's tougher than i thought it would be to move and to leave my parents in memphis. but at the same time i think it's given me some perspective on what my own dreams and my own goals are. i miss my friends in memphis but am thankful for their love and support that i feel through the internet! god bless facebook and twitter, right!?

i am thankful for the blanket of snow that has covered the twin cities! this is the third snow that i've experienced up here so far which makes me so happy! i have long missed the changing of the seasons and the bite of a cold fall/winter. of course, this means that tomorrow is going to be -10...it's like the weather is making sure i know what i'm getting into! my sweet mom and dad are sending me some much-needed snow boots! i can't wait until they get here, then i won't have to worry so much about falling on my butt on the way to the bus stop!

i am thankful for a new life. new surroundings in a city i love. the love of people in my life and the weather. mostly, i am thankful for all of it. i'd write more but then i might make myself cry! so, instead of me making me cry...here is something my sweet nana wrote when i asked her to talk about thankfulness:

"Thanksgiving brings many memories of all those turkey dinners, trips to the grandparents and later trips to our children to celebrate the occasion. My reflections dwell more on what I am thankful for -- for the 54 years of marriage to my dear sweet husband with only regrets that we couldn't grown older together -- for the six wonderful children that this marriage produced and the six in-law children that they brought into this family -- followed by nine grandchildren and three spouses and one dear little great-granddaughter. They now number 25 - each one so dear to my heart. I am so truly blessed and deeply grateful for all that God has given me."

how's that for thankfulness? :D i love my nana! here's a great pic of my mom and her mom (my nana)
hope everyone has a fabulous thanksgiving!

honestly,

-e

Guest Post - Consider Lilies DIY Fall Wreath :D

laura is one of my long-time friends (part of a group of six of us we've called "the lakehouse girls" - we've been friends since high school) and i am so honored and thankful to have her post on my blog! she is such a cute and crafty mom of two (with a third on the way!) who has the coolest ideas about home decor, grace and family. please visit her blog considerlilies and her etsy shop: http://www.etsy.com/shop/considerlilies

and without further ado - here is her fabulous guest post!

DIY Fall Wreath

Hi there! My name is Laura and I am a wife (my favorite thing to be!), a mom to two of the greatest little kids ever, and a homemaker. I like to make stuff when I have time and you can keep up with all of that over at my blog, ConsiderLilies.

I am digging the ruffle trend I see everywhere these days, so when I decided to change out the wreath on the door for fall, ruffles seemed like the thing to do...

For starters, collect all of the items below. For the ruffles, I bought some colored felt and whipped them out on the sewing machine (this takes just a couple of minutes) to the desired length. (To make ruffles, set your sewing machine to the longest possible straight stitch setting. DON'T backstitch. When you're done, pull on the loose strings at the end and it will gather.)

Then start wrapping the wreath base in yarn (it will take less time if the yarn is thicker) and glue it with craft glue on the backside as you go.

After that, place your ruffles where you want them and glue them down in the back as well. Affix your little bird (I used straight pins) and you're done!

Thanks, Erin, for treating me to a little spot on your blog:). I'm feelin' honored! And happy fall to everyone!!!

booo internet!

i swear, i get all geared up to be a great blogger and then the internet at my apartment all but completely craps out! it's soooooo frustrating. this is the third time that a technician will be coming out to see if they can fix it. i've decided that this is it! if they can't then i'm switching!

so, that said - sorry for the lack of posting! it's so annoying. i have a guest post by my dear friend laura of consider lillies (http://lauracatemann.blogspot.com/) all ready to go but i can't get the internet to work so i can't upload it! boo! i swear, it will get done this week!

i'm also still planning on opening up the etsy shop either this week or next week, depending on if i can take some time to go to a caribou coffee or something to hook up online. so annoying!

but in good news - got christmas music playing, experienced my first minnesotan snow! (it was a record breaker apparently!) so the ground is white, the music is going, i'm bundled up with a new hat and i looooooove this time of year! what's your favorite thing about the holidays?

honestly,

-e

BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!

hey guys!

thanks for your votes yesterday on the logo. it really helped and i decided to go with the horizontal one (even made the brown a little lighter). the logo is part of my big announcement for the month of november! ya ready for it?

i am opening and etsy shop! it's not ready just yet but i wanted to go ahead and tell you about it with the hopes that maybe sharing the idea will keep me motivated to finish up the last bits of it! i am designing jewelry, clay creations, knitted creations and any other number of handmade crafts to sell on it and it will be called, you guessed it - simple nature!

i chose the name because i like the idea of handmade things harkening back to a different era that was more simplistic in nature. whenever i make things by hand i feel like i am really owning my creativity and that my creations are really a part of who i am. so, i am aiming to open the shop next week. you can check out the store (although it's empty right now!) at this link: simplenatureonline

check back next week and there will be stuff up! i will post about the opening of it next week as well! thanks so much and enjoy life!

honestly,

-e

logo design - which one do you like better?

hey guys, so, here is a logo i'm working on and i seriously can't decide which one i like better. do you have an opinion? (please ignore the odd white space issue with #1)

logo 1:

logo 2:

so, leave me a note and lemme know!

honestly,

-e

Guest Post : The Reel Momma!

i have been truly blessed in my life to have wonderful friends! one of them is my dear friend lee ann from the reel family ( http://www.thereelfamilyblog.com/ ) - she's hilarious and amazing and i have had the sheer pleasure of knowing her since the 11th grade! she has agreed to do a guest post for this blog today. enjoy her candid thoughts on thankfulness and go visit her blog! you'll love it!

As a child I was lucky enough to meet an amazing group of girls that together as we grew up instead of growing apart we turned into dear friends. When Erin asked me to stop by for a visit at her home in cyberspace I was truly honored that she thought of me. Erin is one of those girls turned dear friend and I truly cannot remember life without her.

On daily basis you can find me over at The Reel Family Blog where our life revolves my attempts to battle a messy toddler and husband with my OCD cleaning habits and all that lies in between. We talk party planning, cooking and parenting as I entertain you with stories of my “all-boy” child and our attempts to navigate this great river called parenthood.

For me, parenthood was an “AHA” moment in truly understanding the depths of thankfulness. Sure, I have always been thankful of my many blessings. But, there is something about motherhood that for me was soul changing.

Waking up to each morning to pitter-patter of feet and a soft call for “Momma” overcomes me. I am overtaken with love and gratitude that I was chosen to be his Momma. It makes me thankful for each and every day I have been given. My heart now walks outside my body and love so much deeper.

My husband is the light of my life; he is my person. I have always loved him but now my love grows daily. Each day I swear I couldn’t love him more until I see him interact with our son or go about our daily partnership in this life we have made. To an outsider our daily world may seem mundane but together we tackle life. And, to me, there is nothing like it. There truly is nothing better than us.

And as crazy as it sounds it even makes me more thankful for my past. Hindsight is always 20/20 and I can look at my life and see how each path lead me to road I am on today. I found my person; he’s my perfect match, my soul mate. I found the job I was made for. I spent a lot of life chasing dreams of professionalism. Along the way I realized, work to me is nothing more than a means to pay the bills. I was made to be Craig’s wife and EJ’s momma. And when the world seems dark and life is heavy I try to focus on the reality that this is best times of my life thus far. I am thankful for each day, for each quiet morning in PJ’s with a cup of coffee and Sesame Street playing the background. I am thankful for the blessing my husband has given me by shouldering the weight of finances and working hard for us everyday. I am thankful for family, the one that made me and the one that I have made.

So as we embark on yet another Holiday season I find myself not thankful for things that I have in my life but the people. My friends, the old and the new, who without them my life would be so incomplete. My family who loves always and supports unconditionally. My husband, my best friend who makes me laugh and smile and loves me through raging hormones, childbirth, and both good and bad times. My son who taught me what love really is and reminded me who and what are really most important in life.

i am thankful for...

sitting around the campfire last night with my friends got me thinking about thankfulness. i guess that's a good thing considering what month is now upon us, huh?

well, i have some exciting stuff coming up this month on this blog!!

it's all about thankfulness.

i am very excited that some of my best friends are going to write a couple of guest blog posts for you lovely readers to soak up! some are going to be about crafts, others about traditions and some about thankfulness and what that means to them. i even hope to have a very special blog post from my most favorite woman (or maybe even two of them) ever!

i will also be doing another give-away this month so keep posted to win some fabulous goodies!

there may also be an exciting announcement coming up later this month that i can hardly wait to share with you guys but i really need to just be patient for a bit! so that's my november teaser! it's going to be a great month!!

and thanks to all who voted on my poll - looks like this dorkus is going to keep the blog more-or-less the same as it's been. much love to all!!

honestly,

-e

november already!?!?!?!?!

it's tough to believe, isn't it? it feels like yesterday should have been summer to me, although here in minnesota the temps are far from summer temps! i absolutely love the cooler weather here, and yes, i do know it's about to get a whole lot cooler and snowy! i'm excited, ready and a little apprehensive.

halloween was pretty uneventful for me this year - seems like that's been the trend for the past three years, sadly. three years ago i had a horrible bronchial infection which caused me to cancel my annual party, last year, well, that was the whole beginning of the divorce thing and i didn't really think a celebration was in order. this year, well, working seven days a week definitely lends itself to a bit of unpreparedness (that's so a word!) and having a tiny apartment kind of aids in the whole inability to throw a party! i guess i'll just look at these last three years of no-party-ness as preparation for a gigantic party next halloween! i literally cannot wait!

we went bowling on saturday night, i dressed as a modern day demeter (goddess of fertility) and my boyfriend was a modern day baccus (god of food and wine). it was pretty fun, i even almost broke 100 on my second game which cracks me up - but i still beat the boy so that's what matters! last night i got to tag along with my best friend, jill and meet a new friend, megan, who was amazing! we hung out at her house in the front yard, roasted marshmellows and handed out candy to little trick-or-treaters! it was fabulous! then we followed it up with a bonfire at jill's house with friends and family in attendance. i even got to see my friend, naja, who moved up here from memphis some years back.

well, it was amazing and i hope you had a great halloween! we are going bowling again tonight because we obviously like torture! have a wonderful first day of november and look for another update this afternoon about the month of november and this blog!

honestly,

-e

we have a winner! (or two!)

alrighty, thanks you guys for posting about your favorite halloween memories! we do have a winner this morning! but i decided we needed two winners! so i asked my bf to pick a number between one and four and he picked two, then i asked him to pick another winner and he picked four, so here we go!

"looney4one said...

growing up in northern Minnesota made the choosing of a costume a challenge....did one buy the beautiful costume in the store and then cover it with a winter coat, stocking cap, and mittens, (some years there was snow on the ground by end of October)? Or did one want to show off the costume and turn blue in the sub zero weather? Usually Mom prevailed and I rarely got to show off my costume while trick or treating because of all the layers of warmth I was wearing. My favorite part of halloween was bringing home the candy and hiding it from my dad. Dad always creeped into our bedrooms the next morning and stole our candy and we would jump out of bed and chase him around the house trying to get it back. We never hid the candy too well for fear he might NOT find it...."

looney4one is our first winner! e-mail me and let me know which three little "spookies" you'd like.

aaaannnnd!!! laura is our second winner!

"Laura said...

eating candy? does that count:)? glad you had a day off to make stuff, friend. how fun!"

thanks sweetie!!! i was so glad to have a day off, too! :D e-mail me and let me know which three you'd like!

thanks to everyone for playing along! we'll do another give-away soon :D stay tuned!!

honestly,

-e

"spookies" give-away!

hey guys! here is what i've been playing with lately! "spookies"

so, here's the deal, one lucky winner gets to take home any three of these little guys, i've got three ghosties and five pumpkins. all you have to do to win is post a comment about your favorite halloween memory as a kid. i'll pick a winner at random on monday! so, post away! :D

honestly,

-e

a day off

i woke up early this morning around 4am and realized that i could barely breathe and my throat felt like it was on fire. not so great considering i had a mere 2.5 hours before i needed to get up for work. blah. i fell back asleep for a little bit but when that alarm went off i knew there was no way i was going to work today.

i don't really think i'm that sick, in fact, now that i've slept some and had lots of water and some cold meds, i feel a lot better. but i am so glad i called in. i needed this day off.

i had no idea how difficult it is working every day of the week. i feel like a wimp cause it's not like i'm ever working insane amounts of hours, it's just that every day i have to work at one place or both and that makes it really difficult to get anything else done.

so, today is a day for hanging out in bed with my boyfriend's cat (loudest kitty in the world!), drinking lots of green tea, catching up on my internet addiction and making some cute little crafty halloween decorations to be mailed out to a few people! i think i'll post some pics of the crafties later and maybe do a give-away! sound interesting to anyone???

honestly,

-e

one year later - the aftermath

so, it's been a year since i "dramastically" changed my life. after years of being in a frustrating relationship i decided that it was time for a change. i also decided that that change would be a good time to shake the rest of my life up. i've definitely always went with the thought process that while you're making a giant change why not make the other ones you've wanted to at the same time? that way you adjust all at once and never say that you're bored. so, yeah...this is how that's gone for me:

it's been painful. but i knew it would be. but, i've grown more in this last year than i have in the past ten, so it's been amazing. i've found myself completely broke and broken, sobbing myself to sleep many, many nights but i've learned that i'm so much stronger than i thought i could ever be. granted, i didn't want to find this out about myself but whaddya gonna do???

i've found that from this distance from my family and friends who i've always relied on, i miss them more, i value them more and i know which ones are the true friends. that part kinda sucked, losing people you thought were there for good. but i've also learned to think for myself more. i know that the people i love always have my "best interests" in mind when they give me opinions or advice but i've learned that only i can decide what my "best interests" really are. so, i feel like now, staring down the gun to 30 years old, i've learned to discern between what i "want" and what i "need" and what my decisions are. it's pretty great. although, i do miss my friends and family, sometimes i feel very lonely up here but it's getting better!

i've worked for three different places since moving here in march - interned at one and am still searching. currently i'm working for two of the three places and while the money is nice, the hours are starting to wear me out. if i could just get one day off a week that would be amazing! i feel like a chicken running around without the benefit of ever having a head!

my dog lives up here now, sadly not with me yet. my apartment won't let me have a dog that is over 40 lbs and i just don't think that i should put my 60 lb dog on a diet and shave all of his fur off...although the fur would be about 5lbs i think! but i have a cat - a crotchety cat, who belongs to this boyfriend guy that i have :D but, the mutt lives with friends until my lease is up next may.

the boyfriend guy :D :D :D is awesome. i am so blessed and lucky to have found someone who really gets me. it's one of the healthiest relationships i've ever had, makes me feel so grown up...except when pillow fights ensue.

music and art are still my loves but i just barely have time to do laundry these days and keep my 520 sq ft apartment clean so my loves get a little backburner action sometimes. i still sketch, play my guitar some and write down random lyrics that pop in but i haven't played out anywhere or done serious writing since i got here. all in due time, i guess.

so, that's a semi-short run-down of life after the giant changes. i wish my ex the best of luck and hope that he's ok. life just sucks sometimes but if you aren't true to yourself you're really short-changing everyone around you. alright, time for job number 2! live life the best way you can!

honestly,

-e

take the poll - tell me what i can do

to make this blog more interesting? it needs a focus, yes - but i am horrible at focusing. so, here is your chance (you four people who actually read my stupid posts!) to make me change. do you have any suggestions? here are a few things i'm interested in that might be good:

1. music
2. cooking
3. crafts
4. home decorating
5. city happenings (although i know most of you who read this don't live in MPLS)
6. photography
7. random musings (more or less you like it how it is)

so, those are just a few ideas - does anyone have an opinion? i'd really, really, really like some of those opinions! c'mon! i'm going to add a poll to the right-hand side of this blog, please take the poll and leave me comments. I'M BEGGING YOU! :D

life is insane.

but i think if it wasn't, i'd be bored.

maybe.

don't know! but lately life has switched into warp speed. i got a second job recently and now i'm working about 46 - 50 hours a week. not something that i really wanted to do but the bills demand it! i like both of my jobs, one more than the other but we won't go there. but i keep finding myself back on the lookout for work. i'm employed but that can always change, kinda scary. what's even scarier (or more frustrating) is this:

i have no earthly idea what i want to do right now.

none. none whatsoever.

i know that i want to open a shop in a few years and that i need to sock away money right now and that's what i'm trying to do. but it's just kind of frustrating to be working so much and have very little time off (read - not a full day anywhere). it's also frustrating to have this fabulous framed piece of paper that says i have a degree in something that i don't really want to do. not like i could get a job in that field right now anyways. but i guess i'll just have to be content to be discontent...still.

oh well - at least i'm employed, i love this city, i'm happier than i've been in a while and i'm in love with life. we'll see what the future holds. yup.

fall recipe: apple spice muffins!

awesome new fall recipe! i just made these and it's tough not to eat all of them. they are very cake-like, i bet they'd be good with some kind of caramel icing or glaze on them but i haven't gotten that far! also pretty health-friendly because the only fat in them is the butter...no oil!

apple spice cookies:

1/4 c. butter

1 c. brown sugar

1 tsp. vanilla extract

1 egg

2/3 c. applesauce

2 1/4 c. baking mix (Bisquick, etc.)

1/4 c. flour

2 tsp. allspice

1 tsp. cinnamon

preheat oven to 375 F. cream butter, sugar & vanilla, then add egg. stir in applesauce and combined dry ingredients. fill muffin tin cups 3/4th of the way and bake 10-15 minutes or until brown and puffy. serve with butter and jam. (strawberry goes really well with these!)

to do list:

so, i figured i would post these ideas here since if i write them on paper they tend to get lost! so, here are things i want to do before this year is over! not in any specific order:

1. go to the minnesota state fair

2. go to the renaissance festival (OMG!)

3. bake some new pumpkin-flavored goodies

4. make my favorite pumpkin soup

5. go camping

6. have friends over again for a cookout in the park across the street

7. attend church

8. attend a craft group

9. spend as much time in the beautiful weather as absolutely possible - going for an autumn suntan here!

10. start eating healthier

11. get my budget under control

12. drive out to the middle of nowhere and just lay back and look at the stars

13. finish my harry potter scarf!

we'll leave it there since 13 is my lucky number! what are some things you want to do before the end of the year?

honestly,

-e

and today i don't want to wait

i'm restless today. after months of sleeping really well without taking my sleeping pills i think i've taken one every night for a week. lame. i miss being able to just fall asleep and stay asleep.

what am i restless for?

i know there are a few things but i'll just have to wait it out...and i hate that. oh well.

honestly,
-e

weight loss update: no.1

alright! so far pretty good! lost five pounds this week :D. i know that will slow down after another week but it feels pretty good to get that little bit off in just under seven days. i figure i should pick the same day each week and same time to weigh myself, that should give me a better idea of how i'm doing.

what have i done this week? pretty much dropped breads and carbs from the menu. i've allowed myself a few here and there because i don't want to go through complete withdrawals during my trip to michigan for my cousin's wedding (leaving soon!). but even so, i've pretty much cut most of them out of my diet. the things i splurged on this week were a couple fig newtons, a tiki drink, some pizza and a bowl of cereal. not too bad. of course there are carbs in lots of things so right now, until i get the protein power book from my dad, i'm just trying to cut most of them out. allowing myself like 40g a day (i think like 33 is where i'll end up starting).

i feel better, which is nice. i can tell that the weight went away from my gut, which is super nice. can 't wait to wear skinny jeans in the fall! alright, that's my update!!

honestly,
-e

things to be awaited...

i don't know what it is but around this time of year i start to get excited about fall. when i lived in memphis this was a curse and a blessing. a curse because i knew i had a good month and a half left (at least) of terribly hot temperatures and humidity. a blessing because it got my mind off of the hot temps. now that i live in minnesota, the thing i am noticing most about these feelings of looking forward is the overwhelming sense of hope. that's not something i've really felt a lot of over the last year. i've felt burdened and stressed but this is truly the first time i've looked up and thought "alright, there is light!".

after i moved to minneapolis i went through a period of time where i was very uncertain. i was uncertain that i had made the right move at times. in my heart i knew it was right but in my bank account, i didn't. i felt myself growing through some pretty painful times (still am somewhat) and i wondered if it would be worth it. i was uncertain about where i was heading (still am!) and that scared me. now it's just a little bit exciting...still kinda scary but i'm much more accepting of just riding along for now.

now i feel much more certain. i love my friends and family in memphis. i miss them very, very much, but i can't say that i really miss memphis. i miss the sense of familiarity - of knowing where to go hang out, what event is going on, where to find stuff that i need...but i don't miss the actual city. i thought i would. something about the change of political and racial climate here has made me feel much more comfortable and at home than i ever did in memphis. i feel like i fit in here, that people are more like-minded, creative, accepting than in the south.

right now, i love the weather here! we've had maybe four or five days around 90 degrees...but i think i'm estimating too high. a lot of the places i go to don't have air conditioning, really, but it's not terribly missed. i'm glad my apartment now has a window unit, though! sleeping without air conditioning is a bit tougher than i remember, but, as i type i have the windows open and the fans going and it's downright cozy. we'll see how i do when there is a foot of snow on the ground and it's below zero for the fourth week in a row but something tells me i might like it!

i look forward to the fall - the changing of colors, the dying of leaves and everything turning such beautiful shades of autumn. fall always makes me hopeful of the rebirth of spring. i feel that autumn and winter are such magical times of the year. times when i am transported back to my feelings of childhood. the hayrides and bonfires with dad's squadron in the air force...the afternoons spent warming up by "bertha" before going back out into the snow in d.c....the toboggan run that we built in the backyard at Nana and Papa's house...wearing a hobo costume for Halloween because it was the only way to wear enough layers without ruining my costume with a coat! Christmas in Syracuse, IN - my favorite place on earth.

i feel that living up north again will make me love summer again, but i know i will never await it quite as much as fall and winter! happy holiday dreaming!

honestly,

-e

it's a four letter word

and i hate it. but i need it. DIET. ew. i'm tired and i'm creeping back up toward where i was last year on the scale. so, now that i live in a very active city, it's time to make a change. i think i've always heard that after 30 it gets to be almost impossible to lose weight so i've got two years before i hit that! yikes! so, i'll keep the blogosphere posted as to my success.

so...off to the grocery store and then back home to pump up the tires on my bike to take it for a spin! woooohooo!!! oh boy!!! :D

-honestly
-e

These days...

sheesh, i'm horrific at posting on this blog! april, yikes!

SO, lots has changed. i got a new job, quit my internship and got my own apartment! yup, the hotel just wasn't working out so i searched for new employment and landed a job working for a few nightclubs and a bar in downtown. i do admin stuff & other stuff to help lighten the manager's load. i really like it. i work virtually alone which is pretty great and the pay is pretty decent. my only complaint (aside from the occasional stupid stuff) is that i have be at work way too early in the am. i am so not a morning person so i guess it's good that i can just roll out of bed, throw on something clean and hop on the bus. it's about 30-35 hours a week. not bad! a heckuva lot better than the 16 the hotel was giving me.

the internship was fun but it just wasn't mean to be. in the end i don't think it would have been enough hours so i would have had to work two jobs at once and the hours for that would have been pretty killer.

i've been in my own apartment now for about a month. my wonderful parents ended up packing up my stuff on a penske truck and my dad drove it up here. insane! we were going to have a moving company do it but they flaked out on my dad so he just drove it here. my place is just south of downtown, pretty much still downtown and is pretty little. but it's enough for me for now. the kitchen leaves a bit to be desired but it's ok - it's only a year lease!! it's nice to have my own place to retreat to and it's great to have my stuff up here. i'll post some pics when i've gotten it a bit more put together.

other than that - things are good. things are strange, but good. i say strange because everything is just so different. i guess i just had no idea how big of a change i was making. there are things about my old life that i miss, terribly! like my friends, my family, my dogs, my house. familiarity. the old routine of things was sometimes very nice and it's odd having to make a new routine. making a huge change like this at 28 is quite a big deal. my dad has been stopping through minneapolis on trips throughout the month and i got to see him last night for dinner. i started to tear up when he walked me to my car. you don't realize sometimes how much you love having your family so close until they're not close anymore! i know that this is a step in the right direction for me - i needed to grow up some more. i needed to be more independent. so i'm just going to notch this up to growing pains, sound fair to you?

honestly,

-e

OH!

and something about living up here is making me lose weight :D which is lovely! so far about 8lbs down! gotta love that, even if it's random!

honestly,

-e

whew!

yeah, uhm, where did the time go!? i've been up here in minneapolis now for almost a month - some days it seems like four months already and other times it seems like yesterday. life is crazy.

i think it's strange when you do all these things to make your life a certain way and then you completely change it - well, at least it feels strange to me. i think i'm still trying to figure things out. i definitely made sure that i threw my life for a loop - going through a divorce, losing my job, moving in with my folks, moving, starting one new job and one new internship...yeah, just a few things to have changed. right!? if i sat and thought about everything i believe my head would explode from the stress and sheer craziness of it all. but you know, sometimes when you get stuck in a rut a giant leap/change is exactly what you need.

i'm not saying it's easy. it hasn't been and won't be for a while. i feel like i'm re-learning how to function in society. how to make enough money to pay the bills is definitely the toughest thing right now but that's no shock to me. i love my internship at the photo studio - it's great - i just wish it was the paying job!!! the hotel is going alright, it's a very draining job though and i can't seem to get excited about it (possibly cause it's not enough money/hours!!) but it at least is some form of income. at least at the internship i'm doing things that i have skills in such as designing wedding albums (i get paid for that!) and working on layout of documents and what not. it's quite fun!

but yeah, all in all, doing alright, little stressed about money but i'm still looking for more work and keeping myself busy doing fun and free (or almost free) things! speaking of which, gotta go work on my guitar callouses, i've been neglecting them over the last week. i'll try to post more next week, just haven't felt real "up" for being social - even anti-socially online :)

honestly,

-e

i am tired...

of trying not to offend people. i know i'm a people-pleaser but this is getting ridiculous! when does it come down to what i want? i guess i'm thinking that people will either get over it or they won't. maybe that's selfish but i do have to worry about myself here. it is exhausting to worry about what other people will think of what i want, of how they'll react. ya know what? that is THEIR reaction...not mine. so why do i let it bug me?

so.friggin.frustrating.

ok - so - i'm moving. i'm heading out soon. like less than a month, soon. and i'm excited at the possibilities that await me - those possibilities are endless! no one is relying on me here, i'm young, i can still come visit (and you can come visit) but it's just time. if you're my friend or my family, shouldn't you be excited that i'm excited?

honestly
-e

security

do you remember your blanket that you had as a kid? or that certain stuffed animal you always held onto? for me it was bun-bun...yup, you heard me. bun-bun was actually like four or five different stuffed animals that were the same thing: bunny heads with a blanket body and stuffed hands. mom would switch out bun-bun whenever she'd get dirty and i would flip so mom made sure she had back-up bun-buns.

the idea that i have been craving security the majority of my adult life is somewhat baffling. i think part of it (no matter how sexist this sounds) is that i'm female and i think it's ironed into my being that i want to be safe, secure, cared for. i think the other part is that i moved around a bit as a kiddo. not a god-awful amount but still enough for it to be slightly jarring. not blaming anyone - i mean, why would i complain about getting to live in japan for three years!? am i crazy? don't answer that.

but it's funny - i was sitting with this thought about craving security and what that really means. it's actually not financial in pretty much any way. i mean, yeah, i'd love to have a job so that i could have an apartment of my own but i think that the desire for the job is so that i can have a "home" - a place where i can feel secure. and not secure in my belongings but just secure in being able to just exist as me. to not have to worry about what someone is going to think of me. i think that security is something i've missed.

the other security i crave is security in people. and i didn't realize how necessary this was to me until i started cultivating some of my friendships but just like having a place to relax and be you, i want to have people around i can be me with. it's refreshing that through the ordeal of the divorce and my change of perspective some of my friends have really stuck with me and we've grown. i've explained to them that i'm imperfect and, big surprise, they already knew it and weren't running away.

so, now i'm making plans to move. i think it's time i found my own security, my own footing but in a place where i have friends i can "be" around who won't laugh too hard if i fail. and i know my friends here will support me in finding my own way - even if it'll suck to see me move. so, i'm not moving yet but it's coming soon and i'm excited and scared as hell all at the same time. but mostly excited. i'm excited to create security and home for myself...

honestly,

-e

grab your cheese...serving up some w"h"ine here...

there are two sides to each story. i have no idea why today i feel like pointing this out. maybe it's because it's snowing and gray out - maybe it's because i moved all my furniture out of my old house yesterday. maybe it's because people have a tendency to jump to conclusions without all the information. yeah, that's probably all of it - most of it is the last thing.

the thought that's getting me today is that when a couple breaks up or divorces or whatever - someone is going to get the blame. usually it's the person who leaves. that's just the way it goes. i'm not asking for sympathy here, please hear that, i'm just wondering if people don't ever think about the circumstances leading up to the person leaving? do people ever think about how difficult the decision is to actually leave? the process that goes into that decision is painful - incredibly painful. for me, it wasn't a selfish process - it was a process of trying to figure out how this would affect so many people around me. it was almost debilitating, it was most definitely gut-wrenching and it was not in any way easy. it did teach me that i need to look out for myself. that i need to make sure that i get what i need and want in relationships, friendship or romantic. and i need security, i need safety - i need to know that if i'm truly my little freaky, weirdo self, that other person won't go running, that they'll be able to handle it. because if we can't be ourselves in our relationships - who the hell would want to be our friend?

i wouldn't want to be my friend if i wasn't genuine. i know i can be neurotic, flaky, tactless and (i'm learning recently) insecure but i also know that i'm very loving, incredibly forgiving, funny, warm and inviting. so, why should i chop off some of those things just because i'm afraid some people can't handle it? maybe i will say something that someone doesn't agree with, i know i'll do something that someone doesn't agree with - but i've come to terms with the fact that people do that kind of stuff all the time and i don't hate them for it. and really, i have absolutely no control over how people will perceive me or my actions which is oddly freeing.

so, i guess my rambling point is that it's been an incredibly tough few months - i've lost my job, i've lost what i had worked for, i lost what i knew and what i thought i wanted...but i'll be fine. i know he'll be fine eventually. and that's my opinion. feel free to disagree, feel free to ask questions - but know also that i don't have to answer them.

honestly
-e