security

do you remember your blanket that you had as a kid? or that certain stuffed animal you always held onto? for me it was bun-bun...yup, you heard me. bun-bun was actually like four or five different stuffed animals that were the same thing: bunny heads with a blanket body and stuffed hands. mom would switch out bun-bun whenever she'd get dirty and i would flip so mom made sure she had back-up bun-buns.

the idea that i have been craving security the majority of my adult life is somewhat baffling. i think part of it (no matter how sexist this sounds) is that i'm female and i think it's ironed into my being that i want to be safe, secure, cared for. i think the other part is that i moved around a bit as a kiddo. not a god-awful amount but still enough for it to be slightly jarring. not blaming anyone - i mean, why would i complain about getting to live in japan for three years!? am i crazy? don't answer that.

but it's funny - i was sitting with this thought about craving security and what that really means. it's actually not financial in pretty much any way. i mean, yeah, i'd love to have a job so that i could have an apartment of my own but i think that the desire for the job is so that i can have a "home" - a place where i can feel secure. and not secure in my belongings but just secure in being able to just exist as me. to not have to worry about what someone is going to think of me. i think that security is something i've missed.

the other security i crave is security in people. and i didn't realize how necessary this was to me until i started cultivating some of my friendships but just like having a place to relax and be you, i want to have people around i can be me with. it's refreshing that through the ordeal of the divorce and my change of perspective some of my friends have really stuck with me and we've grown. i've explained to them that i'm imperfect and, big surprise, they already knew it and weren't running away.

so, now i'm making plans to move. i think it's time i found my own security, my own footing but in a place where i have friends i can "be" around who won't laugh too hard if i fail. and i know my friends here will support me in finding my own way - even if it'll suck to see me move. so, i'm not moving yet but it's coming soon and i'm excited and scared as hell all at the same time. but mostly excited. i'm excited to create security and home for myself...

honestly,

-e