Wednesday, December 30, 2009

have you ever

and no, we're not playing the game. but have you ever gotten to a point in your life where everything seems to be shifting? it's like one thing happens and you realize that the rest of your life was on a mega-fault-line that now decided to crack?

that's kinda how i feel right now. at first it was absolutely horrifying. i had no idea what to think, what to do, where to belong. then i shifted into "get-through-it" mode because the hits just kept on coming. now i am in a stage of hopefulness and freedom. i didn't get here alone. God is the main reason i find myself sitting on the couch and not in a padded room. without him i'd be so completely lost so i'm incredibly thankful. and i'm also thankful for friends and family. it's almost like i've had to re-learn who they are and they have had to do the same (and are doing the same) with me. it's times like this when i regret things in the past.

mainly i regret not being more open and honest with the people i call friends and family. because it's at times like this when your entire bedrock is shaken that people who thought that everything was ok (because you led them to believe it) are completely shocked to find out that in fact, not much was. i hate that i did that to people. but what i hate more is that i wasn't being honest with myself about what i was feeling/wanting/needing/mad about. so i guess if you're not honest with yourself, you won't be honest with other people. i know, sooooo deep! it's times like this i wish i wasn't such an introvert.

so, i'm not much for new year's resolutions but i have made a promise to myself (and my therapist...ha!) that i will be honest with me and work on being honest with other people. because life is just going to hit you like a mac truck and keep on spinning unless you decided what side of the street you're going to stand on.

i guess this is my way of apologizing in a sense to people. i'm sorry if i've shut you out - i'm learning how to be a better friend. it's going to take time and i'm sure i'll screw up again but i really can't promise anything more than that.



  1. we all shut ppl out and then wonder why later, it happens. I love you!

  2. Been where you are, you have to take care of you! Be happy girl!!!! :)