and today i don't want to wait

i'm restless today. after months of sleeping really well without taking my sleeping pills i think i've taken one every night for a week. lame. i miss being able to just fall asleep and stay asleep.

what am i restless for?

i know there are a few things but i'll just have to wait it out...and i hate that. oh well.

honestly,
-e

weight loss update: no.1

alright! so far pretty good! lost five pounds this week :D. i know that will slow down after another week but it feels pretty good to get that little bit off in just under seven days. i figure i should pick the same day each week and same time to weigh myself, that should give me a better idea of how i'm doing.

what have i done this week? pretty much dropped breads and carbs from the menu. i've allowed myself a few here and there because i don't want to go through complete withdrawals during my trip to michigan for my cousin's wedding (leaving soon!). but even so, i've pretty much cut most of them out of my diet. the things i splurged on this week were a couple fig newtons, a tiki drink, some pizza and a bowl of cereal. not too bad. of course there are carbs in lots of things so right now, until i get the protein power book from my dad, i'm just trying to cut most of them out. allowing myself like 40g a day (i think like 33 is where i'll end up starting).

i feel better, which is nice. i can tell that the weight went away from my gut, which is super nice. can 't wait to wear skinny jeans in the fall! alright, that's my update!!

honestly,
-e

things to be awaited...

i don't know what it is but around this time of year i start to get excited about fall. when i lived in memphis this was a curse and a blessing. a curse because i knew i had a good month and a half left (at least) of terribly hot temperatures and humidity. a blessing because it got my mind off of the hot temps. now that i live in minnesota, the thing i am noticing most about these feelings of looking forward is the overwhelming sense of hope. that's not something i've really felt a lot of over the last year. i've felt burdened and stressed but this is truly the first time i've looked up and thought "alright, there is light!".

after i moved to minneapolis i went through a period of time where i was very uncertain. i was uncertain that i had made the right move at times. in my heart i knew it was right but in my bank account, i didn't. i felt myself growing through some pretty painful times (still am somewhat) and i wondered if it would be worth it. i was uncertain about where i was heading (still am!) and that scared me. now it's just a little bit exciting...still kinda scary but i'm much more accepting of just riding along for now.

now i feel much more certain. i love my friends and family in memphis. i miss them very, very much, but i can't say that i really miss memphis. i miss the sense of familiarity - of knowing where to go hang out, what event is going on, where to find stuff that i need...but i don't miss the actual city. i thought i would. something about the change of political and racial climate here has made me feel much more comfortable and at home than i ever did in memphis. i feel like i fit in here, that people are more like-minded, creative, accepting than in the south.

right now, i love the weather here! we've had maybe four or five days around 90 degrees...but i think i'm estimating too high. a lot of the places i go to don't have air conditioning, really, but it's not terribly missed. i'm glad my apartment now has a window unit, though! sleeping without air conditioning is a bit tougher than i remember, but, as i type i have the windows open and the fans going and it's downright cozy. we'll see how i do when there is a foot of snow on the ground and it's below zero for the fourth week in a row but something tells me i might like it!

i look forward to the fall - the changing of colors, the dying of leaves and everything turning such beautiful shades of autumn. fall always makes me hopeful of the rebirth of spring. i feel that autumn and winter are such magical times of the year. times when i am transported back to my feelings of childhood. the hayrides and bonfires with dad's squadron in the air force...the afternoons spent warming up by "bertha" before going back out into the snow in d.c....the toboggan run that we built in the backyard at Nana and Papa's house...wearing a hobo costume for Halloween because it was the only way to wear enough layers without ruining my costume with a coat! Christmas in Syracuse, IN - my favorite place on earth.

i feel that living up north again will make me love summer again, but i know i will never await it quite as much as fall and winter! happy holiday dreaming!

honestly,

-e

it's a four letter word

and i hate it. but i need it. DIET. ew. i'm tired and i'm creeping back up toward where i was last year on the scale. so, now that i live in a very active city, it's time to make a change. i think i've always heard that after 30 it gets to be almost impossible to lose weight so i've got two years before i hit that! yikes! so, i'll keep the blogosphere posted as to my success.

so...off to the grocery store and then back home to pump up the tires on my bike to take it for a spin! woooohooo!!! oh boy!!! :D

-honestly
-e

These days...

sheesh, i'm horrific at posting on this blog! april, yikes!

SO, lots has changed. i got a new job, quit my internship and got my own apartment! yup, the hotel just wasn't working out so i searched for new employment and landed a job working for a few nightclubs and a bar in downtown. i do admin stuff & other stuff to help lighten the manager's load. i really like it. i work virtually alone which is pretty great and the pay is pretty decent. my only complaint (aside from the occasional stupid stuff) is that i have be at work way too early in the am. i am so not a morning person so i guess it's good that i can just roll out of bed, throw on something clean and hop on the bus. it's about 30-35 hours a week. not bad! a heckuva lot better than the 16 the hotel was giving me.

the internship was fun but it just wasn't mean to be. in the end i don't think it would have been enough hours so i would have had to work two jobs at once and the hours for that would have been pretty killer.

i've been in my own apartment now for about a month. my wonderful parents ended up packing up my stuff on a penske truck and my dad drove it up here. insane! we were going to have a moving company do it but they flaked out on my dad so he just drove it here. my place is just south of downtown, pretty much still downtown and is pretty little. but it's enough for me for now. the kitchen leaves a bit to be desired but it's ok - it's only a year lease!! it's nice to have my own place to retreat to and it's great to have my stuff up here. i'll post some pics when i've gotten it a bit more put together.

other than that - things are good. things are strange, but good. i say strange because everything is just so different. i guess i just had no idea how big of a change i was making. there are things about my old life that i miss, terribly! like my friends, my family, my dogs, my house. familiarity. the old routine of things was sometimes very nice and it's odd having to make a new routine. making a huge change like this at 28 is quite a big deal. my dad has been stopping through minneapolis on trips throughout the month and i got to see him last night for dinner. i started to tear up when he walked me to my car. you don't realize sometimes how much you love having your family so close until they're not close anymore! i know that this is a step in the right direction for me - i needed to grow up some more. i needed to be more independent. so i'm just going to notch this up to growing pains, sound fair to you?

honestly,

-e

OH!

and something about living up here is making me lose weight :D which is lovely! so far about 8lbs down! gotta love that, even if it's random!

honestly,

-e

whew!

yeah, uhm, where did the time go!? i've been up here in minneapolis now for almost a month - some days it seems like four months already and other times it seems like yesterday. life is crazy.

i think it's strange when you do all these things to make your life a certain way and then you completely change it - well, at least it feels strange to me. i think i'm still trying to figure things out. i definitely made sure that i threw my life for a loop - going through a divorce, losing my job, moving in with my folks, moving, starting one new job and one new internship...yeah, just a few things to have changed. right!? if i sat and thought about everything i believe my head would explode from the stress and sheer craziness of it all. but you know, sometimes when you get stuck in a rut a giant leap/change is exactly what you need.

i'm not saying it's easy. it hasn't been and won't be for a while. i feel like i'm re-learning how to function in society. how to make enough money to pay the bills is definitely the toughest thing right now but that's no shock to me. i love my internship at the photo studio - it's great - i just wish it was the paying job!!! the hotel is going alright, it's a very draining job though and i can't seem to get excited about it (possibly cause it's not enough money/hours!!) but it at least is some form of income. at least at the internship i'm doing things that i have skills in such as designing wedding albums (i get paid for that!) and working on layout of documents and what not. it's quite fun!

but yeah, all in all, doing alright, little stressed about money but i'm still looking for more work and keeping myself busy doing fun and free (or almost free) things! speaking of which, gotta go work on my guitar callouses, i've been neglecting them over the last week. i'll try to post more next week, just haven't felt real "up" for being social - even anti-socially online :)

honestly,

-e